February

“It’s love that makes the world go round,” according to English dramatist Sir William Schwenck Gilbert.

I’m writing to you from the comfort of my own little world which is thankfully still spinning, although so is my head as I try to focus amidst the noise of dogs, kids and my own mind. But it’s the view beyond my bubble that has my heart heavy. Virus variants and ineffective attempts for unity have me looking for love in all the places, including a Home Goods throw pillow aisle on which Cupid seems to have thrown up.

My dog Della lounging on the new LOVE pillow.

I know lots of folks loathe Valentine’s day seeing it as an unnecessary Hallmarketing moment, unwanted to-do or unwelcome reminder of love lost. But as evident by my recent haul complete with heart garland, ornaments, craft kits and a “LOVE” pillow, I’m not one of them…at least not this year.

This mama is welcoming V-Day ‘21 like a bottle of Merlot after a long, dry January.

Regardless of our faith, politics, or preferred news sources, I think we can all recognize the huge heap of love currently lost and hopefully share a desire for it to be found. People are mad about losing their power, health, loved ones, jobs, homes and dignity. Many are just mad about all of the mad people. And I bet if you dug underneath the tip of the anger icebergs, you’d find other shared, painful emotions like shame, loneliness, fear, inadequacy, guilt and sadness.

Anais Nin famously wrote,

“We do not see things as they are, we see them as we are.”

I guess we’re all guilty of hurling our hurt at someone else: politicians, people we deem different from ourselves, people we feel threatened by, and often, people we love the most.

That’s a lot to unpack, sort through and pack back up in what is supposed to be a love letter, but because Cupid’s bow has lit a loving fire under my butt, I’m going to try with help from another Sir William who knew a thing or two about the human condition and love, Sir William Shakespeare who wrote,

“To thine own self be true.”

I’ve found that when I spend time doing things that bring me joy, I’m happier, more patient, more understanding and more loving. I’m not talking about basic grooming that is now known as self care rather time and energy spent doing something that makes the time fly by too fast and my racing thoughts slow down. The more I continue to understand myself, be myself, speak my truth and continue to survive another day, the more I extend that understanding to others.

Here’s another Shakespeare nugget of non-Valetine’s virtue,

“Hell is empty and all the devils are here.”

I’ve been on a quest for understanding in the divisive days since the presidential election, chatting with folks who more closely share Marjorie Taylor Greene’s views than my own. And I’ve seen a thematic sentiment around fighting Satan. This idea of heroically destroying a lone force of evil has seemingly given people who extend kindness, acceptance and love to folks in their own world, a dangerously false perception of superiority and permission to act publicly in ways contrary to their personal values. I don’t know about you, but that doesn’t feel like truth to oneself to me - more like half truth which, if we’re being honest, is a lie. And maybe too idealistically, but I believe at the root of the lies sits good intention which famously paves the path to hell.

I’m no scholar, but I’m pretty sure Shakespeare believed that we are all a bit devilish, and only by staying true to ourselves and courageously following our hearts, can we bring out the best in ourselves and in each other.

I’m also not a therapist or licensed in anything other than driving in the state of Georgia, but I think this conquering hate with love thing may be more simple than we all think.

1. What if we quit focusing on the specks in others’ eyes and acknowledge the logs in our own? If that Biblical reference has you scratching your eyes and head, how about this teacher favorite: remember when you point your finger at someone else, three are pointing back at you.

   They say that acceptance is the first step in recovery, so maybe by simply recognizing our own wrongdoing, we can be well on our way to making it right.

2. It’s highly likely that we will feel some shame, but we must resist the urge to sink into its sticky darkness because it’s what got us into this mess in the first place. What if instead of lamenting on the past, we try planning for the future. Instead of bathing in all of the bad, how about showering ourselves with good thoughts, surrounding ourselves with good company and fostering the good in ourselves by doing more of whatever give us life and less of what takes it away.

3. And now that we’re seeing the good in ourselves and feeling pretty good, let’s look for the good in others. And if we don’t see it in someone, let’s try to understand why. Ask questions, research, read or better yet listen to a book while doing something that feels good like popping bubble wrap, helping someone else or creating something. I’m all about multitasking.

4. Hopefully the good feels have turned into full-blown love, and we’re ready to share the love with others who need it. And like the little, dirty penny dishes at gas stations, which I assume are still there, when we need a bit more for ourselves, the earlier recipients will pay it forward.

5. If steps one through four don’t have us feeling the love, we most likely need to get down to the heart of the matter and recall the words sung by Don Henley of Eagle’s fame, “you keep carrying that anger, it’ll eat you up inside baby.” I think it’s about forgiveness - asking for it, giving it to others and to ourselves.

And there we have it, the world is felling like a sweet merry go round and less like the Tower of Terror. Am I oversimplifying things? Yes. Are we all going to still get mad as hell at ourselves and take it out on each other? Of course. We’re human after all. But if we have any hope of being a people who share a democracy instead of shattering it, as Amanda Gorman poetically suggested, then we mustn’t let hate harden into the cracks of our broken hearts.

And according to another poet and hope expert who is not a British man but an African American woman, the trick is to turn our anger into action.

In a sit down with Dave Chappelle, the magical Dr. Maya Angelou shared these words,

“You should be angry. But you must not be bitter. Bitterness is like cancer. It eats upon the host. It doesn’t do anything to the object of its displeasure. So use that anger. You write it. You paint it. You dance it. You march it. You vote it. You do everything about it. You talk it. Never stop talking it.”

Hear her wise words about anger at the 19:45 mark from Sundance Iconoclast, Season 2 Episode 6.

My sister and I used to sing our own version of Don McLean’s “American Pie” from the back of our big van. And while the cultural significance was over our heads then, I keep thinking of the line, “I saw Satan laughing with delight the day the music died.”

Maybe music is the means to stomp out the evil and make the love we need to make the world go round.

In the month dedicated to love and to honoring Black history, it seems fitting to take Dr. Angelou’s words to heart.

Let’s dance the anger out, fill the empty space with joy by doing whatever makes our souls sing, and then maybe just maybe, we can gravitate towards the love, together.

After all, Shakespeare did say,

“If music be the food of love, play on.”

January

Photo by Candice Seplow on Unsplash

Happy New Year and Congrats!

Art by Emily McDowell via Lessons from the Universe

If you’re reading this, you fought through a global pandemic, political unrest and Lord knows what else, to survive the doozie that was 2020, and that’s something to celebrate.

As someone who struggles with the fear of failure, it’s my tendency to set goals a little on the low side thus setting myself up for success. So when it comes to new year’s resolutions, I like to go broad vs big or too specific.

One of the silver linings of 2020 was the rediscovery of two past times I’ve long loved and that bring me peace - writing and nature. So this year I’m resolving to get outside more and write more - likely at the same time, because these days mama’s gotta multitask.

The spirit of the word resolution is ultimately to improve by committing to start or stop something. I often think and write about the tension between self acceptance and self improvement, and as with most topics on which I noodle, I think the magic is found somewhere in the middle. Maybe there is a way to be at peace with who we were and are while growing into who we will be. I think the trick is to own and build upon our past rather than hide it because then we give purpose to the heartbreak. They’re life lessons learned the hard way.

So cheers to us - not the old us or the new us but the now us, doing our best to be our best. May we find peace in the year ahead, starting with the present, and keep on fighting.