Gimme A Break
Photo by Claudia Wolff on Unsplash I was so moved by this image and the caption with it: “I received a call from the school nurse, who put my son on the line. My son told me he was very sad and was feeling depressed. I immediately went to my son’s school to pick him up. Before we left, we met with one of the administrators, who helped my son feel a little better. The whole afternoon I couldn’t stop thinking about how sad my son was when I arrived at the school. A few hours later, when I went upstairs for some quiet time, it hit me that my son may be depressed…just like me. What I love about this image is the raw emotion that shows just how hard parenting can be sometimes.”
This month’s theme is “Looking for Love,” and in my essay on the topic, I shared five steps to help all of us find and spread love. # 2 on the list: Do more of what brings you joy.
On a recent Saturday morning scroll, I stopped to read a post by my former boss Sara Blakely who was sharing the glorious-yet-unremarkable details of a recent solo getaway. It was an early 50th birthday gift where she was reflective and blissfully “busy doin’ nothing” as her vintage, statement sweatshirt read.
As a forever fan of Sara’s and big believer in the message she was sharing with moms about the importance of time alone spent doing nothing more than thinking and dreaming, I tapped the heart and moved past an ad for period panties before a NYTParenting post stopped my scroll cold.
A photo of a mom resting atop her laundry lured me to an article by NYT Editor Jessica Bennett and photographed by Brenda Ann Kenneally, called The Primal Scream: Three American Mothers on the Brink.
Mercedes Quintana takes a break while doing laundry. It was her fourth load of the day. Photo by Brenda Ann Kenneally for The New York Times The Primal Scream.
Despite my desire to finish reading the home-hitting piece, it was sadly not to be, not in that early-morning moment anyway. My two boys had “camped out” the prior night which meant my younger son woke me up at 2:30 to join him in the chilly basement atop an air mattress that I quickly learned was puddled with pee.
As I did my best to rise to the occasion of weekend mom life as my husband slept, the breakfast orders from my loud, impatient angels had me ready to let out a primal scream of my own.
But thanks to coffee, sheer motherly will and a husband who soon woke up and was willing to play bug bingo, baseball and tennis, I was able to get a break before I broke. I finished reading the article, commiserated with a mom friend and wrapped up the weekend relatively unscathed, albeit unrested, with gratitude for my lot in life and my pretty decent Super Bowl wings.
I’m still thinking about those moms in The New York Times special report and the millions like them whose work-from-home load includes never-ending laundry and the wiping of butts, countertops and tears, often their own, as they tackle their company or client to-do list.
I’m thinking about the moms who are desperately willing and ready to hop over the hurdle of mom guilt to follow their bliss but lack the funds, time or child care needed to carry them across the self care finish line.
Whether the primary, secondary or solo breadwinner or the one responsible for getting the bread and feeding everyone with it, most moms are feeling like big fat, losers who’ve been robbed of the pre-pandemic niceties and necessities they relied on to stay sane.
I may not be able to sneak away for a week like Sara (for the record, I sure as hell would if I could), but I’m one of the lucky ones who has the benefits of a spouse, nanny and financial security.
I’m also one of the ones for whom the struggle to feed my kids’ minds, bodies and souls without starving my own, is very real.
Some of us are facing mountains. Some of us hills. All of us keep climbing and hoping for a break that will come soon.
Dr. Maya Angelou said, “When you learn, teach. When you get, give.” So in her generous spirit, I want to share a few ways to help yourself and others lighten the mother load.
LEARN
For the mamas and folks who love mamas, I’m sharing and imploring you to read and share The Primal Scream The New York Times special report which paints a true picture of the daily struggle working moms are facing with facts, figures and faces of real women in the thick of it. It also offers helpful solutions like this article by Claire Cain Miller and Dani Blum with real ways the government, employers, partners and friends can support working moms and this one by psychiatrist specializing in women’s mental health Dr. Pooja Lakshmin with tangible ways moms can support themselves. Fair warning, you will have to signup with your email addy to access it, but trust me, it’s worth it.
GET
For the mamas who need a little self-love nudge, I’m sharing self-gifting ideas hoping you will treat yourself to something that makes your heart happy. I picked 14 self-gifting ideas across a range of budget and time investments and shared them below. And please know that each of these is something I’m already a fan of or am about to purchase for myself, and I get no money for any purchases because not many folks read my blog…yet!
GIVE
For the mamas with the means to help others, I’m sharing a way to help mamas who don’t. Meet Simone Gordon, AKA The Black Fairy Godmother. She is a miracle-working matchmaker who uses social media as her magic wand to help those hit hardest during the Covid-19 pandemic via Venmo and Gofundme donations and purchasing directly from sites like Amazon. As a single mom on a mission to pay forward the generosity she received in a time of need, her story, and the work she’s doing, are a powerful and bibbidy, bobbidy boo-tiful embodiment of Dr. Angelou’s wise words and my guess is that in giving, Ms. Gordon has received so much.
Here’s to learning, teaching, getting and giving with love for ourselves and each other this Valentine’s Day and every day.
